That's the way I am
by T1gerCat
Summary: I can't change, even if I wanted to


That's the way I am

**A/N:** Hey guys. This is one of my favorite songs during a breakup so I did a little songfic with it. Of course I don't own anything (even if I wish I did….). The song is a Greek one so I translated the lyrics. Hope you all like it :D

**Στίχοι/lyrics**: Ηρώ

**Μουσική****/music****:** Ηρώ

**Πρώτη εκτέλεση/****sang****by**: Ηρώ

It had been two full weeks since Jake deserted me. I had enough of him evading me so I had pretty much stalked him outside his house only for him to tell me to leave him alone. He had enough of me. To my horror I found myself sinking in the same black hole that had engulfed me four months earlier when my boyfriend told me the exact same thing. Ironically enough both guys left me in the woods. Only this time Angela wasn't willing to let me mope around the house.

"Come on Bella, it will be fun"

She kept asking me to go with them to a karaoke club in Port Angeles. Jessica had decided she'd try and flirt with a bartender and wanted Angela to go with her so she wouldn't come off as a creeper. Angela in turn asked me.

"I'm not in the mood Ang"

Was my solid reply. It wasn't that I didn't want to go out, because I did. I simply had no energy to do it. I felt like a solar powered calculator with no sun to power on. I had lost my sunlight.

"Please don't make me go with her"

So Angela turned on the big guns. The power of pouting. A full grown eighteen year old girl pouted in the middle of the class begging me with her eyes to go with them. And you know what? It worked. So here we were on a Friday night, sitting in a bright red circular booth in the new karaoke club in Port Angeles watching Jessica make a fool of herself with the bartender who didn't give her a second glance.

It was hard to mope when being in a room full with people in various levels of intoxication. Especially when A- they sing horribly of key, B- send over tray after tray of shots thinking you're legal to drink, and C- sing so badly that they make dying animals sound great in comparison.

"We're gonna have to drag her away kicking and screaming before she gets raped"

Angela half slurred watching Jessica grind with a couple of guys in a corner.

"At least it will get her mind off of Mike"

I offered downing another bright pink shot of the latest shaker. In hindsight maybe getting tipsy wasn't the best idea but her, Edward wasn't here to make me sit down and drink coffee! Of course that thought made my heart scream in agony and sobered me up quickly.

"True. But we still have to get her back"

Angela said in a slurrier version of her normal big sister tone. I nodded and tripped my way to the corner.

"hey Jess"

"I wanna dance"

She pouted when I tried to get her back to the booth.

"Sit down bitch. I wanna sing"

"yay!"

I pushed to Angela's lap and after downing one more shot (a brightly colored blue this time) I made my way to the mic and picked my song. After 10 shots of various bright colors even I wanna sing!

Surprisingly somber music began playing from the machine.

_Δε θυμάμαι | I can remember_

_ούτε το βλέμμα των ματιών σου | neither the look in your eyes_

_ούτε το σχήμα των χειλιών σου | nor the shape of your lips_

_δε θυμάμαι | I can't remember them_

As I sang my mind created Edward's perfect face. His golden eyes, full of worry marring with love as he gazed me when I did the simplest of human acts, like eating or sleeping. I never told him but his eyes truly were the window to his soul. Two pools of warm color that made me want to drown in them. I was starting to forget a few details though lately and it scared me. I didn't want to forget.

_Μα φοβάμαι | But I'm afraid_

_την αύρα σου τα πρωινά | of your breeze in the mornings_

_που θα με παίρνει αγκαλιά | that will be embracing me_

_αυτό φοβάμαι | that's what I'm afraid of _

Even if I did want to forget, he will never let me. 'It will be as if I never existed' my ass. How can anything ever be the same when I touched his world? When I touched him and loved him? How can I forget when every time I do something he wouldn't allow me to do, I see his ghost? I close my eyes and dream of him leaving me and I open my eyes every single morning hoping he'd be there, in my old rocking chair apologizing for leaving me and promising he will never do it again.

_Δε θυμάμαι | I can't remember_

_δεν έχει χρώμα η σιωπή | Silence has no color_

_μόνο ένα 'γεια' κι ένα 'γιατί' | only a 'goodbye' and a 'why'_

_αυτό θυμάμαι | that's what I can remember_

_Μα φοβάμαι | But I'm afraid_

_κάθε σκέψη μου κρυφή | that my every hidden thought_

_στη δική σου θα οδηγεί | will lead to yours_

_αυτό φοβάμαι | that's what I'm afraid of_

Why did he leave? Did he truly never love me? He fills in my thoughts, my mind and I can never get any answers. Jacob chased him away though. He brought sunlight and warmth into my life, into my mind, into my heart. I was happy enough with him and yes, I thought I could maybe move on with Jacob, for his sake if not for mine but it would never happen now. He realized what heavy load my baggage make me and left too.

_Έτσι είμαι εγώ | That's the way I am_

_και δεν μπορώ | and I can't_

_ούτε και θέλω ν' αλλάξω | nor do I want to change_

_Έτσι είμαι εγώ, | That's the way I am _

_να σ' ονειρεύομαι μου ειν' αρκετό | dreaming of you is enough for me_

Did I truly want to move on though? Could I have sabotaged my chances with Jake on purpose, even if I did it unconsciously? Maybe Edward truly broke me for other people. If moving on means that I will forget him, forget everything we shared then maybe moving on is a bad thing.

On the other hand though... could I remain in this black hole forever? Did I have the right to drag other people in it? I know Charlie hasn't slept a wink in months thanks to my constant nightmares that have me scream his name every night, Angela hasn't left my side even when I try my hardest to push her away, mom calls daily Charlie to check on me (something she never truly did before)... What is best? Suffer and let others know, or move on and risk forgetting?

Maybe moving on but keep hope too?

_Έτσι είμαι εγώ | That's the way I am_

_ένα χαμόγελο για σένα θα φυλάξω | I'll keep a smile for you_

_άλλωστε σου το χρωστώ | besides I owe it to you_

_έτσι είμαι εγώ | That's the way I am_

After my song was done I bit my lip as the room of drunken people cheered and headed to the table where Jessica had fallen asleep and a slightly more sober Angela hugged me mutely.

"I need another drink"

Jessica moaned in her sleep

"What you need is sleep"

Angela snickered hiccupping. I shook my head at them making a beeline for the busy bar. We're already drunk and get hell for it, why not go all the way?

"3 mohitos please"

I told the barman hoping he won't ask for an ID and he didn't. A blond guy sat to my right and turned to face me planting a smirk he probably thought was sexy on his face.

"Edward"

He introduced himself and the more than slightly drunken smile on my lips died

"Sorry man you just have the wrong name"

I replied shaking my head at fate and her cruel ways before swaying my way to the booth plopping down next to Angela. Jessica woke up again sensing alcohol near her and grabbed one glass and I gave Angela the other.

"To friendship"

Jess crowned. Loudly.

"To friendship"

We emptied our drinks in one big gulp. The alcohol struck straight in our heads and a bunch of stars danced around us

"Weird question"

Angela declared hiccupping.

"Who will drive home?"

I imagined the reverent (Angela's dad) answering the phone. Yikes!

Jessica's mom probably wouldn't show up since she got herself a new boyfriend.

"Charlie..."

I began giggling imagining police chief Charlie swan coming to fetch his underage drunk daughter and her two friends. I caught Angela's dancing eyes and we both broke in a loud laughter imagining the same thing and Jessica joined us letting her 99,9% of alcohol in her blood take control.

Maybe I am moving on after all...

THE END 


End file.
